Endless Thoughts....

I started this blog with a lot of different intentions. I wanted to show a different side of me; perhaps it was obvious or not but I been battling an issue with my image for a long time and I wanted to showcase what my own self image did to me. How it would sometimes build me and how often it DESTROYED me. I also wanted to show, how you can want something so badly but not always get it you know "easier said then done" type shit. Make the struggles of making a dream/goal achievable real.

However, I wanted to blog and make it public mostly because I wanted someone to relate, I wanted to become someone example of progress I wanted to be someone INSPIRATION and so my own blog became that to myself. Unitentionally it reminded me of how I started and showed me I how I pushed through the fuck ups and how the milestones made me glow.

And so here I am in a umm I am not sure I am here stuck, stuck and consumed with so much different emotions. In the past two weeks I have gained 5 pounds*! :gasp: 5 pounds* when I was so close to the finish line...why, what's going on ='[ why slowly throw away what I been working on. *2 pounds I wrote this on Saturday and got on the scale this morning and after TOM I was up 2 pounds

I went to Red Lobster to enjoy there seasonal promotion of endless shrimps. Already down and although I was in great company my heart, my heart had this great big void and as I took the first shrimp I forgot everything...nothing matter my thought of process was; fuck this moment fuck the calories, fuck it if you full, fuck it!!!! I ate like I have never ate in my life and I ate...my body told me no more, my mind told me stop it right this moment but

my heart told me it needs this, for now this hole isn't so lonely, for now let go of your worries and just eat

I went on to "enjoy" the rest of my evening...And really there was no enjoyment because I was thinking of why do I continue to purposely "hurt" myself to destroy what I work for. The night ended and I said I will deal with in the morning. Saturday morning wasn't so great and I deceided to take revenge by eating a cupcake! A CUPCAKE really who was I hurting...but I got so much pleasure of doing something that I knew wasn't right and it was silly cause I saw myself smirk to myself....and I thought am I doing this on purpose are those shows getting to me...

And as I took the bus to target my "happy place", it clicked to me...I hurt for so many many many reasons and I never bother to give my scars attention...see you can give scars proper attention and although you might have something to always remind you of that scar it will heal the way its suppose to but if you ignore it you prolong it's healing, it's getting of better and eventually time does "heal" but you have a bitter scar that will never quite be the same or no where near the same

I have a lot of scars too many scars that I aquired back to back and while I thought time would heal them...they just turned them ugly and I use food for temporary fixes which in the long run is just creating a bigger scar...and so I am taking this time to heal them the proper way (those scars the ones I ignored in hopes that they will go away)...in hopes I can start 2011 with a new outlook (not saying it will take 2 months) but knowing it will take time. I will continue to battle it out and get to to this place where ultimately I am not only happy physically, but mentally and spiritually!

So I am hibernating! Closing out chapters, starting new ones, speaking from my heart. Not compromising myself FOR NO ONE! Enjoying my sweet love, the pure friendships I have around the perfect friends I often neglect.

I encourage all of my readers all 2 of you lol, to continue coming to my page....perhaps you need a space to post some thoughts about your battle in overcoming your goal.. and don't want to create your own blog...send them my way I'll be sure to update the blog...maybe a funny picture, maybe an inspirational quote...Maybe you just wants some space to talk without interruption well by any mean necessary is your home too! So feel free to send them to me melissaq86@gmail.com

I'll update with mobile pics and music until my heart is singing the words it wants to sing!

Deuces or better yet BRB ;)

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EX fat girl