Monday, January 7, 2013

Social Anxiety

For the past five years I have isolated myself to this little bubble and everything in this bubble is familiar. It is consistent and for the most part I can always predict what's next- sort of like that movie we know by heart. My life is that movie.

My love life is a routine of schedules and rules set by the DOC (Dept of Corrections) and the State of Pennsylvania. There are no unexpected calls, there are no random kisses and hugs, there are no new meals. Everything in my love life for the past 5.5 years has been the same exact things.

My friends for the most part are all very similar to myself. We do the same things. You know things like every now and then go out to eat, hit up the malls, text like mad women. The conversations are the same sex,love,men,gossip,weight lost, etc you know girl shit.

My family well it's been the same familiar faces since 1986 for me and very seldom are there any new faces.

Work- work is the same bullshit the same routine day in and day out.

Everything pretty consistent, it has a flow. A flow I am very accustomed  to. So what is the problem?!? Well the problem is when you throw something in the mix I start to freak out. I try to plan it out. I try to rehearse it in my mind. I try to figure out how it is going to be before it even happens. I notice that every time something new is thrown in the mix I find a way to not par take it in it or I stress myself out right before and that shit can't be good for my heart.

I blame it in part to my current situation of having a boyfriend in jail and having to adapt to a new lifestyle. One where I have to be very cautious of my next step. I blame it on me for shutting so many things out of my life. I blame it on social networks for giving me a view into everyone lives and setting up in my mind this notion of I know you because of all your statuses you post on Fb, pictures posted on Instagram and rants on twitter and I don't really need to hang out with you because I sort of did thru FB.

Well for 2013 I said I was going to let go of my comfort and welcome the different in my life. I am letting go and letting God. Letting it naturally flow.

2nd week and I am not going to lie it feels great to LET GO.

Does any one else freak out when something new is being throw into the mix?

Adios Kiddies

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