Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Cold Turkey

Food is very much like a drug (well to some- not to all). If you turn to it for emotion then yes consider it your drug of choice. Like a drug it brings you high and then right low. It consumes you because you depend on it to control. Like a drug you can go cold turkey on food. I have gone cold turkey on things I've enjoyed and really it's one of those things you just don't and don't think about.

Things I've gone cold turkey on:
Pizza (if you know Melissa then you know I LOVEEEEE a good slice) It will be 2 years in July. It's was a personal favor/sacrifice I did for God and will eventually have it once my promised it made true. But when Pizza re enters my life I want to have a healthy relationship with it. I don't want to crave it, or need it (I know this sounds crazy) but I don't want it to be my best friend anymore.

White Rice- This is a staple in my diet and honestly nothing taste as good as my mom's white rice with some meat and a banana on the side. But it's starch, it's white and it's ain't all that healthy for me. So I decided to cut it out my diet and then resume with BROWN rice when I drop 20 pounds. It's been 2 weeks so far I been doing good. (This no rice will include any type of rice- including pork fried rice yummm)

And now after wolfing down 3 chocolate bars all containing 200 and more calories in less then 2 hours-I've decided to say good bye to Chocolate till my bday April 22.

I don't want food to dominate me. I want to live and eat to live not live to eat.

I am back in the gym (well yesterday was day 1 but I want the gym to replace food as my bestie.

One day at a time.

What are some things you've gone cold turkey on?!?!


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Harsh Winter- Check In

I am not a fan of winter. Never have been. It's always dark, it's cold, it's dreary...It an ugly season in all of the sense. Your prone to get sick and have a running nose, slushy snow, you have to be all bundle up. I am a Caribbean girl and so I embrace the sun, the heat the long days, the freedom that comes with warmth. Just like how I describe winter is how I am feeling and I am sick of this feeling.

Anyhow although winter inspires me to do nothing here are some updates:

My hair- I can finally do a pony tail and it look some what decent and praise the Lord for that because those first two week were rough. I walked around with a scarf because I just didn't know what to do with my hair. It has grown. I took the Visical religiously but then by mistake my momma threw them out :(. I am still taking my prenatal vitamins though. I did measure and it had grew 2 more inches which is fast but I am not sure what is making it grow so fast. When my hair is dirty I do style it with pure coconut oil (I love that stuff and recommend it to anyone who wants HEALTHY hair). I miss my long locks but I am very much in love with my healthy locks. I also discovered that I still have some process hair in the front due to having bangs. Thats fine for April I'll cut some bangs once my hair is longer =]

My weight- I been doing better. I do feel more in control. I am letting go of my love white rice for a while now. I am logging in and I am slowly adapting to eating less and being more accountable for what goes in. Only Problem is that I have only been to the gym once this month. I need the gym. It helps me in many way and if I am kicking ass in these competitions I need to get to it. I haven't officially weighed myself and won't till Feb 7th so I am hoping for a 5-7 pound lost. We'll see.

Everything else- It's been going good. I am trying to let go and let God and at times I feel myself freaking about things but lately it's been less frequently. I do understand that what is going to happen will happen and thats okay to just let it play it out.

Well I just wanted to check in. Let you know I am alive! Winter has me kinda poop but I don't want it to defeat me either. Summer I have so much plans with you <3 .="." p="p">
Ciao Kiddies


Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Closure

Closure or need for closure are psychological terms that describe the desire or need individuals have for information that will allow them to conclude an issue that had previously been clouded in ambiguity and uncertainty. Upon reaching this conclusion, they are now able to attain a state of epistemic "closure".

A quick google search will give you that definition. With a New Year always comes along NEW b.s lol from everyone. I think everyone is guilty of trying or wanting something NEW for the new year...January is your clean slate. January is where you hope to let go of something old (that you particular wasn't fond of) and adapt some new one.

My 2013 resolution was to LET GO and LET GOD. I want to control a lot of things, I want to track it's every process and plan for every possibility EVEN IF I KNOW THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE I still want to know every aspect and in 2012 I saw how my obsession with CONTROL was growing and causing negative side effects the biggest one of them all STRESS.

This year I've gotten better. However- I still find myself  thinking about certain relationships with friends, family members, even coworkers and I find myself thinking why did it go from that to that. I wonder if they think about it as well. I wonder what they didn't like about me. I wonder if it was my fault. Of course on the other side  I think about what I didn't like about them, I usually take equal participation on why it went the way it did and think of flaws the person can work on. I find myself wanting to do a sit down and have some sort of closure. I sometimes want to verbally hear it.  Like I want to hear "we aren't what we used to be let's agree to disagree and move on". I do want the closure. I want to know why you befriended me, or why we don't do lunch anymore during lunch time at work or why you used to text me every morning and now you don't. Yes I want that. I want the "conclusion" summary

But I think that's some sort of control issue again to want to know, to what to talk about it, but maybe it's just after all closure that I want. I mean can't closure be just knowing it's not what it used to be.

Well I decided to do some closure here publicly why not- letting it go.

If you were in my past for a reason and we enjoyed a few laughs I am forever grateful for those memories.
If you saw me cried and told me everything is going to be alright- you were right and I thank you for those warm memories for being there for me.
If I saw you at your happiest and shared that with you- the memory will be with me forever and I wish many more memories like that.
If we broke bread together- I hope you always have bread to break.
If you told me your deepest secret know that it's still a secret and I hope you too have kept mine.
I am happy and feel fortunate for the amount of time we've had together because it some sort of way I know it's shaped me.

If we argued and I offended you- Then I am sorry because most likely those were not my intentions to hurt but I too am human.
If you've hurt me forget about it like Mase said "let by gones be by gones", I've moved on. I needed that hurt - I am sure.

I understand people change and the new me and the new you just doesn't vibe, or maybe we do vibe but grew apart, or maybe it was just time to go different path. I hope you too can appreciate our good times and I hope wherever life leads you it's to something big and beautiful.

"They say people in your life are seasons,
And anything that happen is for a reason"

I feel blessed. I am ready to let go and let God.


Monday, January 7, 2013

Ready Set Go

So in 2.5 years I managed to gain 28 pounds of what I devoted and did so much to lose .I manage to be 12 pounds away from 200 pounds and in 2.5 years I manage to slowly see the scale go up and up. So yes I may be the biggest loser because after losing 47 pounds I manage to put most of it back. Yup I did that. I am not going to sit here and analyze the past it is what it is.

Food is a lot of things for me and I know that. I knew that before and I don't deny it. It is my friend, my enemy, my comfort, my joy, my sadness it is always my consent in everything and anything!

So now before I tip the scale to 207 again I decided to stop talking to stop starting and never finishing. I am back bitches with a personal revenge :p.

I started a little competition within some close friends because like me they need the motivation, because something about "beating" someone gets you hype and ready to run some miles.

It's simple and my main goal is to get myself and the girls (2 other friends) back into the groove. It takes 30 days to break addiction so here we go breaking old habits and starting new ones.

It's really simple and anyone can do it among friends or family we weighed in today and on Feb 7th we will do the weigh in by using the body fat calculation  that they use on the show - The Biggest Loser. The two losers will put $20 dollars a gift card towards the winner choice and we'll go celebrate with the winner. In the end we are all winners because for sure a pound less we will at least be. You guys can switch up the prize and use whatever works for your team.

I am always in it to win it. I never underestimate my competition and I am always ready for war (and a good ol time) so rip to this fat.

So as my friends said - The gloves are off!

Ready Set Go


Social Anxiety

For the past five years I have isolated myself to this little bubble and everything in this bubble is familiar. It is consistent and for the most part I can always predict what's next- sort of like that movie we know by heart. My life is that movie.

My love life is a routine of schedules and rules set by the DOC (Dept of Corrections) and the State of Pennsylvania. There are no unexpected calls, there are no random kisses and hugs, there are no new meals. Everything in my love life for the past 5.5 years has been the same exact things.

My friends for the most part are all very similar to myself. We do the same things. You know things like every now and then go out to eat, hit up the malls, text like mad women. The conversations are the same sex,love,men,gossip,weight lost, etc you know girl shit.

My family well it's been the same familiar faces since 1986 for me and very seldom are there any new faces.

Work- work is the same bullshit the same routine day in and day out.

Everything pretty consistent, it has a flow. A flow I am very accustomed  to. So what is the problem?!? Well the problem is when you throw something in the mix I start to freak out. I try to plan it out. I try to rehearse it in my mind. I try to figure out how it is going to be before it even happens. I notice that every time something new is thrown in the mix I find a way to not par take it in it or I stress myself out right before and that shit can't be good for my heart.

I blame it in part to my current situation of having a boyfriend in jail and having to adapt to a new lifestyle. One where I have to be very cautious of my next step. I blame it on me for shutting so many things out of my life. I blame it on social networks for giving me a view into everyone lives and setting up in my mind this notion of I know you because of all your statuses you post on Fb, pictures posted on Instagram and rants on twitter and I don't really need to hang out with you because I sort of did thru FB.

Well for 2013 I said I was going to let go of my comfort and welcome the different in my life. I am letting go and letting God. Letting it naturally flow.

2nd week and I am not going to lie it feels great to LET GO.

Does any one else freak out when something new is being throw into the mix?

Adios Kiddies

Friday, December 28, 2012

A Look Back and a Look Forward

2012 was hard. I mean it was filled with a lot of shit too much shit. Today while I am chilling with my baby niece (who is making my baby fever extra high)  and while she naps, I am thinking of 2012.

I had so much anticipation. Like way too much for this year. I thought my problems was going to be over with having my man home. I am not sure why I depended on his arrival home to solve so much when 1. It wasn't a for sure thing and 2. Its not like he coming home with a big ol lottery checks he too will have many challenges.

It was hard because I put only one egg into the basket. I did. And the egg cracked with nothing in it lol. I isolated myself and just sat there watching that egg and growing bitter that the freaking egg had nothing in it. Until a couple weeks ago when I came back to the blog and had my "aha" moment.

2012 was not fun. I lived alone and lived check by check (not because I wanted to) but because shit it's hard living alone. I did way too many random things that brought my debt up (although I have no regrets- I am literally paying for it now). I lost some friends but gained some new ones but due to my own situations I feel like I didn't take advantage of these great people around me. In short 2012 was not one of my best years. It was bland.

So what am I going to wait for in 2013?!?! Guess! I'll give you a sec...okay your taking too long. I am going to wait for NOTHING. I am going to try to achieve NOTHING ( I mean I am always planning but I am not setting my eyes on anything just yet). I am doing the completely opposite. I am putting some eggs in my basket and proceeding with cautious.

What are some things you enjoyed/hated of 2012 and what are some things that your looking forward to in 2013?

Happy New Years to my beautiful readers!!!


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas Meltdown

Yup it happened when I least wanted it to happen it happened on Christmas! I had the last meltdown of the year. The type of meltdown where you don't wanna do nothing but cry and be alone. I cried for so many reasons. I beg to God for so many things. I was angry for so many reasons. I felt selfish for being angry. I had a whole list of people to blame and then I had myself and only myself to blame. It was tough (picture a heroine addict going cold turkey) that's how the 24th and 25th were for me. I only found relief in an empty apartment where I sat in a corner and cried my eyes out (dramatic much) but that's how it happened.

The only reason I am sharing is because I don't think I was the only one in the world who felt that miserable that crummy. I am sure someone out there felt the same and had their own version of a meltdown. However with my meltdown with all my tears, I knew that tomorrow will be a new day, the world has not stopped because mine did. I also knew that tomorrow may be better or not but I had that little hope that it may. No matter how angry I am I always have a little bit of hope.

Today I woke up. I am doing what I should have done on Sunday or early Monday. I am getting pretty. I am going to put my best foot forward and just roll with the punches because that's just how I know how to do.

I hope you had a much better Christmas my thoughts and prayers to those who had a low one. Please know you are not alone in your sorrow.

Blessings to my wonderful readers. I hope I have something more cheerful to offer for the new year ;).